Last night, I swung on a swing in a playground trying to recapture my childhood. Looking out at the same city skyline I loved when I left for college. Laughing. Those feelings never change. The other day, on Instagram I saw a meme that said “Would you go back to the 5th grade for $50,000?” And I know they didn’t mean to go back in time, but the thought of going back seemed So appealing.
Then the laughter turns to tears that I can never hold back. Please believe that there was a point where I buried these feelings. When I thought that these feelings of pain were not conducive for reaching success. That worrying about things like this doesn’t get anything done.
But the skyline is still the same. Only now the view is fogged by tears. Never being able to escape the fact that I miss my mother, I miss my Nanny, I miss my cousin Raj, and I miss my aunt Tracey but death is a no take-backs phenomenon. And I wondered for a few minutes, wouldn’t it be something to be in the 5th grade again. My first year in public school, where I met my best friend. My mom would still be here, to make me home-cooked meals, take me shopping, and call me every 5 seconds because she wants me to see something on Entertainment Tonight or Oprah. SMH.
How I could wish for something that truly drove me insane as a kid. I could never get anything done lol. And now I crave to be called, to be cherished, to be loved like no one has ever loved me before! You never know what you got till its gone. And boy! It really does suck.
Now, looking back I noticed some of the newer signs on buildings and a lot of the construction going on.
I am that beautiful night skyline! At first glance it always looks the same; always shining; always inviting. But I am under construction in some areas where you might not be able to tell; I’m not quite at 100 percent. And that’s the lesson I needed to learn after such a loss.
The pain is conducive, and it is necessary for my growth. Burying dead bodies doesn’t make the person disappear. My mother is always with me and if I get a chance to shed some tears in honor of her memory and what she’s done for me I don’t care who it’s in front of. Crying is cathartic for me. I’ve turned into a big crybaby! And i’m fine with that!
It’s my senior year and right now I have a few locations under construction in my life which includes: my family, my education, my career, and myself as a whole. I hope after writing this it helps me to embrace my new family on my fathers side more. I hope I can embrace the new challenges that come my way in these last two semesters. I hope I can be great enough to change someone else’s life in a significant manner.
I hope I can live up to the view people get when they see me!
I know I said I’d try to do one ever week, but I can’t control inspiration lol! I’ll try to do better though!
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